Typically typical

5:00 am it is, my alarm rings and still asleep I can listen to it, I wake up, reduce the fan speed by 2, mentally thinking that after 30 minutes of just lying down my alarm will ring and I will be awake, starting my day early and today all my work will get done 🙂

BANG BANG  !!

Get up ! its 7:00 am, shouts my dad while banging on the door. Wondering why my alarm did not ring at 5:30 am I wake up with a grumpy feeling and brush. Like a small child, who hates going to school, I carry my potato shaped body with more or less the same feeling towards the gym. After what feels like eternity ( 1.5 hours 😉 ) I walk out feeling more active, and proud to have survived one more day at the gym, short term pain and long term gain I think and smile heading home.

I come back home and ask mom what there for breakfast. Upma/Poha what do you want to eat is her typical reply. Anything will do is what I say daily and poha wins the bet almost daily 🙂 . After poha I sit to watch some TV. 10 to 15 mins into any channel and plonk, come 10:30 am and its time for the morning powercut. A novel occupies my time while the power is gone (till 12:30). While my mom walks towards the kitchen to prepare lunch, I head to my room for a blissful round of padmasadhana with Kashi bhaiya (on the audio). I stretch and be still for sometime, feeling cool and calm within, by the time I open my eyes, lunch is ready. I have my mid day meal. Then do some job search and web surfing in the afternoon.

Impatience, jealousy, prayer are dominant in the afternoon when I see my friends doing some awesome service activities and putting up pictures of their part in creating a better world, tears swell up when I see some of my facebook friends visiting Guruji or the ashram.

WHAT AM I DOING IN MY LIFE is the most dominant thought and I pray that my life moves from this inertia phase and I also start a job and start doing some seva or another soon. Soon my brooding leads to the evening when it is time to do the sudarshan kriya. Evening sudarshan kriya is the best part of my day when my mind rests. It really is a gift to be able to practise it.

 

Before sunset I have my dinner and watch TV till 10 pm (series of serials, please don’t ask)

Every night I read some pages of Yoga Vasistha and then praying for the alarm to ring again at 5:00 am I go to sleep again. Remembering Guruji and telling myself I that all good will only happen, I go to bed.

 

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This is how most of my days have typically been in the past few weeks… Yes I have been doing nothing at all, let alone anything interesting to put up here. I am giving my best so things move in my life, If you also reading this please pray and wish that things do move and I get to write more and do more in my life 🙂

 

Lots of love

Kulpreeth

Update 3

The confusion and self Doubt continued . Inside I was continously battling . One part of my mind wanted to cry , one part wanted to run away to some place far away where I do not need to worry about anything . Friends and well wishers and parents gave all sorts of suggestions , advises , but the uncomfortable feeling still stayed … I did not know where I was headed and what to do . Day by day the Feeling that ” I need to run away from all this , I don’t want to stay around anyone” was increasing . I was at loss of words to explain what I was going through , hence did not talk to anyone about it . But I knew one person who would understand and give a solution without my explaining much .

Without delay I was on the way to Bangalore to meet My Guru …I did not know what reason to give my parents and friends of going , my parents were undergoing their quota of stress because of my unemployment , there was a course which I was working for … Admist all this I still decided to go and meet Sri Sri .

I went and asked him . Guruji Should I do an IT job ( Something that my parents wanted me to do and I did not ) , or should I do Graphic Designing ( Something that I wanted to do ) or CST ( something that I was very good at but did not think upon it as a profession yet ) .

He told ” Karo Karo IT Job Karo ” . ( Do do an IT Job ) .

I immediately felt light and relaxed. I felt very confident about what Guruji chose for me and my life and was happy about it . The weight lifted and my smile back again .

I had to disobey some very close people to go to ashram and meet Guruji , at the same time my parents now respect Him a lot , for he told what they wanted (i.e. IT Job ) . I had this confidence that even though I dis obey , they will surely understand in time …

I felt very nice about having a living Guru who is so accessible and when in worry or doubt we can just go and talk to him . Only blessed people have a life like mine .

And now you can also ask him what ever you want , he is doing a Google Hangout tomorrow on the 26th of January … The details of which you can get here :

https://plus.google.com/u/0/events/coba0vjo57hl8g0p5pb1r2in6ks 

Lots of love

Still Materialistically un employed but without any doubts /confusion

Kulpreeth .

 

Full stop ~~~!!!

Why do I feel scared to talk about what I have inside ? Why do I feel that I am something less than others ? Why I am I so sure of failing ? Why do I lie ? Why do I not speak up for myself ? Why do I always doubt  ? Why do I think so much ? Why do people spit on the road ? Why don’t my parents understand what I want to say ? Why do people laugh at me ? Why do I not get to do what I want to do ? Why do I behave like a coward ? Why do I not feel the same level of connection with everyone ? Why do I don’t like cricket ? Why Do I always think about what others will think ? Why am I not natural at all places at all times ? Why do I think doing an IT job is worse than suicide ? Why do I feel jealous when other people behave very closely to my close friends ? Why do I plan and plan and plan and don’t work according to the plan? Why do I always want to do what my father is telling me not to do ? Why do I want so much attention all the time ? Why am I existing at all ? Why don’t people accept me as I am ? Why are enuchs so scary ? Why do people want you to be something and will not like it when you are something else ? Why does my whole being pull me towards a satsang even if it means compromise on any other work I am doing ? Why do I long to see my guru ? Why do sanskrit sounds make me jump with joy from within ? Why do I always want to give and give and give ? Why does my bhaiya not live in hyderabad 😥 ? Why are people so ignorant about themselves and their surroundings ? Why am I always unsure about where my life will go and how will it be ? Why do I feel I cannot live without some people in my life ? Why Why Why ???

When so many whys come into my life I think I need to be silent for some time …

In turmoil and confusion !!!

Kul .

The lost world

I have lost track of how many things I have lost in recent past. A lot of things ( especially electronic gadgets ) run away from me just like that . So now I sit here to recall what all I have lost and which of the events involved mistake from my side and which were God’s mistakes and may be at the end of the post we can together find a solution(s) to the problem ( you can contribute by commenting your solutions 😀 )  . So lets start.

Pencils , tiffin box , erasers , notebooks and all insignificant things lost during childhood are purely God’s mistake. When a child , God is given full responsibility of the kid when parents are not around. Although now I say that these things are insignificant, I was made to realize their significance the hard way ( read scoldings from mom 😀 ) . Life moves on and  it gets bigger and better they say , for me this statement prevailed even in the lost world. I lost bigger and better things as I grew up.

PUC came into my life and by this time I was extra careful not to lose things and wanted to get out of this lost world. I proudly announce that I did not lose as much as a small sharpener during my PUC but the God of this lost world did not want to lose me . ( Note : The following lines carry immense gyaan and some pleasantly alarming confessions, any conclusions you draw from them will be at your own risk , please don’t! ok ) . From materialistic things , my habit of losing explored unknown territories. I began to lose things at a subtle level … love , trust , faith , virginity, confidence, self-esteem to name a few. In the past I  felt bad when I lost something that could be bought back , I knew that I could  always buy the things in future , but when I began to lose these things ( subtle ones ) , I had no idea how to get them back , I later realized that some things belonged to the ” once lost never come back ” category, so as a result misery deepened. Now come to think of it most of the things I lost here were my mistake and not God’s , so now that these things have come to pass, I feel it is only right to take responsibility for them and move on ( I told you there will be hard core gyaan 😀 ). Also before this when things I lost were God’s mistake I did not worry that I have done something wrong, and things got fixed on their own. And when I see this phase of my life where I have lost subtle things , I see that God has helped me to some extent to get them back, of course except the ” Once lost never come back ” things . ( moral of the story : don’t feel bad for too long when you lose things , God/higher power/anything higher than your existence 😀 will generally give it back when the time is right ).

Time passed and I came into engineering , here my normal routine of losing material stuff resumed, I lost cellphones (  many of them ), pens , handkerchiefs, laptop , mp3 player , library cards ,  also I began to lose little subtle stuff here and there (  like friends , interest in life etc ). Thanks to the Guru in my life , I also started to lose the right things in my life,  I lost fear , doubts , pity , lust , laziness. This was the shift that happened in the four years of my engineering . Although these subtle things came back again and again in my life I acquired the skill to lose the ones that did no good to me and keep the nice ones 🙂 . After a point of time I started to be indifferent to the things I lost. Before I would boil in anger and frustration and suspect/blame people who I thought would likely be responsible for my loss. Now even when I find out who excatly is responsible for my loss I think of forgiving them , then after a mind battle of like one minute or so I do forgive them ( * take a bow * ). Also I feel bad for very little time now and whine less at my loss.

Till here is my thesis on what is my contribution to the lost world ( as my life is still not over the thesis is still a ” WORK IN PROGRESS”) . While I am still losing things the problem remains that the materialistic things still run away from me 😦 . I sit here and wonder … Am I careless ? Am I not aware of my surroundings ? My insides answer NO! they say somethings are just meant to be . Just go on . Do I listen to my insides or not ? What do you think ?

Love is pain …

The first time he saw her , it was because the general talk in school was that she looked very good. His eyes fell on her in the school canteen and since then he was not the same boy. He attempted to look good , walk better , smile more when she was around. Her presence gave him butterflies in the stomach. Friend’s usual teasing and hooting added fuel to the fire of his fancies. He wanted to be with her , to know her better. The term has just started and there is the whole year to become her friend he thought. Her eyes gave him a feeling he was at home . The following week in between a biology class .She entered the class and the teacher asked her purpose. She said ” Ma’am can I know who is Raj ? The principal wants to meet him” . The teacher gestured at Raj to leave the class while she kept looking for him in the crowd. His friends started giggling , he mustered courage and stood up and their eyes met. He had not expected to meet the girl he loved in between a biology class with so many people around , he silently walked to her, she was still waiting. When he reached her , they started walking towards the principal’s cabin. ” Why does he want to see me ? ” He some how blurted out. ” How would I know ? ” She said. Of course what a stupid thing to ask , he thought. ” My name is Roohi”,  She said , ” I am Raj” . He looked at her and smiled, her cheeks went slightly pink when she smiled back at him. Blessing the principal for calling him ( rather sending her to call him ) , he entered the office, she left when they reached the office. The principal told that he was selected to dance for the school and was supposed to stay back after school and come few hours before school beginning tomorrow  morning to practice. It was a competition in an international school and he was supposed to represent the school . He ran to the dance teacher ( his best friend in school ) and told her about it. She was not at all surprised but acknowledged his enthusiasm . The dance teacher was the one teacher with whom every student ( who ever danced )had a close bond. She was very young and just like a friend , not a teacher at all. And since she taught dance it was all the more fun to be around her. It was supposed to be a group dance with six boys and six girls. Then Raj asked the question for which he had come running to the dance teacher. ” Ma’am one girl was sent to my class saying the principal is calling me.” It was a statement not a question. The teacher replied, ” Oh ya, she is also in the dance group now , new entry. Principal sir says she dances really well . We’ll see. Tomorrow morning 7:00 am come here , Now go! your class is going on i suppose.”

He got up and walked in silence to his class. Now he had a chance to make friends with her, he hoped she would become his partner in dance , smiling he went to bed. The next day he was early to the practice. On the first day generally the teacher told them the type of dance they were going to do and the boys and girls danced separately and then according to individual performance they were alloted partners. Roohi came into the room slightly nervous at being the only new one. The rest of the team was the same old one, except for a new boy and Roohi. She looked at him and smiled. He replied with a thumbs up wishing her all the best and praying she dances as well as him and they become partners. All the boys sat down to watch as the girls stood in line. She was standing in between the line. She moved with grace , had beautiful expressions, all her movements were nice and crisp , but she missed a beat in between ( this was the teacher’s feed back ) , to Raj it was THE moment to watch her dance. His mouth was open all the while when she was dancing( thank fully she did not notice ) . She was alloted a partner in the middle of the group where as raj got another girl and was positioned centre stage. With her not as his partner , he felt the curtain fall. Then they started the group practice. Six boys stationed in a V formation with six girls , co-ordination was not a problem for everyone as they had danced before together. Only Roohi had little problem breaking the ice with her partner. The guy who was Roohi’s partner was Farhan. Everytime he would hold her hand or place his hand on her waist , Raj would wince. Love is indeed pain he thought. Within few days of practice Roohi gelled in the group very well. After two weeks the principal came to watch how the practice was going on, the group danced well  , but Raj’s partner missed a beat and forgot a step in between the dance. This was it. The principal told the teacher to change Raj’s partner and with an all knowing smile , the dance teacher told Roohi to go stand beside Raj , Raj smiled back . They danced again with the changed partners. It was perfect and then the principal said this would be the final arrangement of partners. The following week Raj and Roohi got to know each other better, Raj would wait for the part in the dance when he had to look into her eyes , or she had to place her hand on his shoulder. After two weeks of the dance practice, Raj and Roohi were the best dancers in the group. The teacher said it was a good decision to bring Roohi centre stage as their chemistry was so good. Also outside the dance room , they both had become best friends. One day Raj asked Roohi what she thought of people who fall in love. ” I feel 11th class is too early for love”, she said. After one week the dance happened , it was the first time their school was going to an international school to perform. The performance was excellent , the whole crowd was cheering. When the results were being announced the whole group was anxious , Roohi stood beside Raj and moments before the first prize was going to be announced she held his hands. He did not care now if they won or not. He put his other hand on her shoulder and side hugged her. The result was announced and they won the first prize. Everyone was cheering and shouting , Roohi was close to tears , she hugged him very tightly , his heart did a sommersault. It was the happiest moment in his life. After the dance when they returned, the dance teacher said that all of them had to come that evening for party to a mall. All of them got excited. Everyone assembled at the mall , and sat down for food. It was the dance teacher’s treat so they ordered to their heart’s content. Then one by one people started leaving. At last only roohi and Raj were left. Raj looked at her and asked ” Roohi you did not have ice cream , do you want an ice cream? ” She looked at the ice cream shop and said ” Yes” . He went to the counter  ordered the ice cream and vanished from there, When the ice cream reached the table roohi was in tears , this what what raj had ordered for her :

It also had a letter with it. The letter read :

People say love is pain , 

I dont know what love might be,

but i think if you are with me ,

I can handle any pain in the world.

I want to know ,

I want to care , 

I want to share.

Do you ?

He waited for her reaction hiding behind the water cooler , she was looking around for him. Love is indeed pain he thought. He could not walk up to her. All possibilities that she might get angry or reject him came to him. Wiping the sweat and anxiety from his face , he walked up to her. She looked as he came , he sat down and did not speak anything. The ice cream was melting. She showed him the letter. He looked into her eyes. So ? he asked .. Do you ?  . ” Yes I do. ” They both smiled at each other and did not know what to do . Raj felt as if he has passed the toughest exam of his life. Raj had written in the letter that love is pain, but in the following two years he had never experienced pain at all. It was all like a dream. Whenever he met her , nothing but she mattered , when she held his hand , he felt a sense of security. They met everyday at the park above the hill , they talked till sunset and then walked back. Many a time they would see other people kissing in the park.  Roohi would blush and look away , raj never bothered about it so much. Getting physical was the last thing on his mind. Of course he wanted to show love to her , but given a choice this was not the expression he would choose. He did not know if she felt the same way. One day he asked her,” Roohi what do you think of people who keep kissing and touching their partners all the time ? ” . She thought for some time and replied , ” I think its cool . ” Slightly surprised , he asked her ” but don’t you think its kind of unsafe, letting anyone getting so close to you ? ” . As he finished the sentence she came towards him and the next moment she was kissing him , she was for him, he was for her , Raj initially caught by surprise kissed her back . After what felt like eternity she parted from him, still locked in his arms, she asked ” Does it feel bad letting anyone getting so close now ? ” No is does not , he said. After two years of school now was the time to decide where they went and what they were to do in future . Raj asked Roohi ” which colleges are you applying to ? ”

” I am planning to go into designing, you ? ”

” I think I will go to a film school “.

They both looked into each other’s eyes , the possibility that he might have to live away from her pained him. But she seemed confident. ” I will still love you. ” She said.

After the exams followed a plethora of farewell parties, lot of them involved drinking and the likes. Roohi almost always got drunk and Raj was the one who would control her and take her back safely. Next day he would sulk at her behaviour and she would opologise. This cycle repeated many times. He could not take it. They were sitting in the park above the hill , he asked her ” Roohi do you love me ? ” She looked at him ” what kind of a question is that ? ” He said ” I dont like you drinking so much , its not good for you either.” She said ” Ok i will try to stop “. But rarely did she keep her word. Soon the arguments they were having started turning into fights. One day roohi shouted at him ” If you cannot handle me or accept me as i am we might as well stay away from each other”. As she finished her words met silence. Raj just walked few steps towards a tree and stood there. Shocked at what she said and also feeling guilty she went and hugged him. love is pain indeed Raj thought. Such kinds of fights started happening very often in the next few days. One day Raj lost control ” FINE GO THEN , LETS END IT ! ” he said . Shocked at what he said , tears filled his eyes but they refused to flow out of his eyes. Roohi slowly came to him , also in tears, she closed her eyes , kissed him and walked away. He wanted to stop her but he stood there. Let her go.

Yes love is pain he thought. She never came back , he never hoped that she would.

Now he lives , scared of love , scared to love. The heart that he put in the ice cream long ago was now locked in an iron box. It refuses to open for anyone. Alas … love is indeed pain , he says 😦

Lots of love/pain

Kullu

What goes on in the InSiDe

28th March happens to be quite a memorable day in my life . Little background story is required for you to completely appreciate and understand the gravity of the situation 😀 . So here goes the background :

Name : Kulpreeth Singh

Strengths : Able to connect to people easily ,  very good at creative things and event management , if he wants he can do anything in life ( ” IF he wants ” is a very important clause there , please note 😀 ).

Weakness : refer “ the court of hell “.

Dream no 1 : To get a good rank in the CEED 2011 ( Common Entrance Exam for Design). Status : SHATTERED .

Dream no 2 : To be able to complete the final semester project successfully and get to learn good amount of stuff from the project. Status : WORK IN PROGRESS .

Dream no 3 : To make parents happy and proud. Status : SHATTERED ( partially ) but still scope to be upgraded to WORK IN PROGRESS.

Background Ends here !  😀  back to reality now 🙂

25th march was the day where the dream no 1 could become reality , but the result of the CEED exam came like a boulder and hit hard on the crystal castle of mine that I had build for my future ( I also herd crashing sound in my mind when I saw the result ) . I was completely still for a few seconds , I waited for tears to come but they refused to come out. I went to drink some water and as soon as the H2O entered my throat , flood gates were opened from the eyes. I was happy that I was crying and soon I would be over it. Crying stopped after some time. Then Mr. Empty mind of mine brought in a tsunami of thoughts that opened the flood gates from the eyes again ( thinking about it now, I wonder how this empty brainless mind of mine could think of all those things ) . Failure, Disappointment , suicide ( I feel like slapping myself to death for thinking this) , loss,  all of these came like war horses to attack my untouched consciousness and I felt contraction like never before. I could not meet my own eyes. I wanted to avoid the closest of people around me , their care and concern would deepen my misery. After about 3 hours I gathered my shattered self together and told myself all the encouraging philosophical phrases like ” Something better is waiting ” , ” this is not the end of life ” etc . Also I had to prepare for this placement company IBM which was coming on 27th March . I saw this as an opportunity for dream no 3 to go into the FULFILLED category ( parents want their son ( i.e. me) to get a  job ).

Sticking quick fix to my shattered castle , I got ready once again , this time little less confident about the dream coming true ( moral : don’t use quick fix to stick things , it leaves cracks and marks ) . The first round of selection process was group discussion and then there were two sets of interviews. This was the company which tested only communication skills without any minimum % of eligibility ( means anyone could attend the placement ). As the year is almost ending people who had still got no job were quite desperate for the job. As I entered the hall I saw 400 unemployed souls awaiting their turn for the GD, most of them were of the opinion that as the company has no minimum % criteria and no written round , they will take most of the people who appear. The GD started and people were filtered , we just had to express our opinion in the GD and we were through , I got through the GD round and next day were the two rounds of interviews. Glad that at least I cleared something , I walked out of the hall. They had not told us what we had to do in the interview next day. Anxious parents were made happy by the result , my mom was recounting all the prayers and chantings that she did for me all through out the day , happiness was evident in her voice. Somewhere I saw a ray of hope that my dream no 3 might get fulfilled tomorrow. This reinforced my castle and I got ready for the next day. Mr. Mind tried to deepen the cracks in the castle and shatter it but I applied double coating of quick fix and went for the interview next day.

The interview was scheduled for 9:00 am, dressed in borrowed formal clothes 😀 , I reached the place. Everyone in the hall was well groomed and was looking the best that they could manage. But their face showed something excatly opposite. Inside everyone of us were going through a lot of things, almost all of us wanted the job really badly hence fear of rejection was clearly shown on everyone’s face. I choose not to look at anyone and closed my eyes and started breathing long and deep , hoping that I will fall asleep or go into meditation. Finally the wait ended at 2 : 00 pm when I was called inside in the waiting room to wait for my turn for the interview.

Only three things happened in this waiting room :

1. One stern looking person came and called people inside for interview and also told people if they were selected or not. If people were selected he loudly announced ” You have cleared all the rounds of the interview , please go to the next room and fill the company form ” and if people were not selected he announced ” Mr.XYZ you can leave for the day “( somehow this felt louder ).

2. Some candidates waiting for the interview had extreme anxiety and fear on their face. They would not look anywhere else except the floor and remain absolutely still or be extremely shaky. I felt like comforting them and smiled at few of the candidates in that room.

3. The people who had finished their interview and were waiting for result were the ones I saw in total surrender and prayer, they would not say or do anything until their result was announced. Prayer was so evident on their face .

As I sat in the waiting room , slowly the anxiety around started to get on me , it was like quick sand. I did lot of Ujjai breathing and hmmm hmmm , but whenever the announcement man would come out and tell someone ” you have cleared all the rounds ” or ” you are done for the day” to someone , I would drown in anxiety again. After waiting for an hour in the waiting room I started feeling dizzy ( I guess it was because I had not eaten anything since morning). People who were rejected had the same shattered expression on their face which I felt two days back. I deeply felt for the people who got rejected as they left the waiting room. Some of them left expressionless, some of them left without expression but with red eyes , for some of them the feeling of rejection was clearly shown . When my turn came I went inside the interview room , the questions were simple and I answered them , then I had to come to the waiting room again to await my result. The horrible announcement boy came and announced my name, he said ” Kulpreeth Singh you have cleared the first round and you need to go for the second round” . Happiness with anxiety happened when I waited for my second round. The second round happened, it was a ”  speech and pronounciation round ” . After this round I was sent again to the devilish waiting room. For 50 seconds I prayed so hard that my name comes in the ” you have cleared the round category” . After those 50 seconds Mr.Announcement man came and said ” Kulpreeth Singh you can leave for the day “.

This time no shattering noise came , mind did not bring up any nonsense thoughts , no tears came … all that remained was silence …

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Lots of love

Kullu 🙂


The court of hell

Convict : S.Kulpreeth Singh

Charges :

1. Lies a lot ( 70% of the times ) mostly to gain attention and sympathy.

2. Procrastinates till the 11th moment.

3. Thoughts are supremely governed by lust .

4. Extreme attachment with people .

5. Swims in a pool of inferiority complex ( reasons unknown to the court ).

6. Does not stand up for himself.

7. Has no control over words.

The above mentioned are the charges put on the convict, the court of hell is not able to decide a suitable punishment for the convict.  It is an appeal by the convict that all his colleagues from heaven ( read friends ) help him clear all his charges. It is therefore an appeal from the court of hell to all of the convict’s friends to suggest him a way out of any or all of the above charges. Suggestions to be posted as comments.

P.S – Meditation is not counted as a remedy to clear off the charge as it is forbidden in HELL .